Langsung ke konten utama

This is War



If we don’t end war, war will end us. (Jared Leto)


I’m definitely will be honest to myself that I can’t even make it works anymore. I think this is not war, I think this is just my life. Well, I’ve been trying to make it done perfectly. I’ve been crying all the day but yet I down that deep. And maybe this is my time to make a turn. Another direction of my life. You know, one thing I really want about in this life is celebrating my own freedom. Yap, this is not kinda ‘escape methode’ or what, this is just what I really need. Feeling freedom and breath new air with a free spirit and young soul contain my body. 

And just now, I talked to my Mom, via phone. I said that I’d like to go somewhere else in order to get a job and to reach a better me. I just wanna make an effort to my own dream, because I know that making an effort to my father’s dream is just pointless. 

Because this is not kinda a nice thing to always remember what he has told me and my mom. We were suffer all the time. I and my mom. Even, my father pushing away my mom in front of my eyes, and that morning was the worst morning in my life ever. Then I took a drive with my mom and we moved to big city. And we talked about how many tears we’ve been falling for this fucking damn thing. How many scar we had? How many time we’ve been passing through with all this sadness and loneliness.

We were remember that. I and my mom.
It's A Beautiful Lonely Road

Sometimes it’s hard to describing your feeling into a words. Because this is more than just a feeling and words. This is the kind of pain that we’d never fond out the medicine. This is most likely nightmare you never see a bright light anymore. And, there was a time when you just feeling numb, vapid, senseless, tired, fucked-up and really nothing.

But, my mom always sees a potential towards me. She always find the way to make my day and wipe away all of this scary thing. She always tells me that her sweet nice daughter could do anything the man do. She always feeds me up with positive thought, positive vibe, support, and she will always there when I need her the most. She always enhance my power, my talent, and my passion in art. When everybody else looking down upon art, she's makes me up her way. But, we have to separated for 5 years and this is our 5th year. I don't know what would happen with the next year. 

Sometimes I’m afraid. I’m afraid to let people get in my heart cause my heart is really bad damn broken inside. And the one who has broken it down was the one who used to be my hero. Yah, he used to be my hero. But, no more right now.

And the moment when I think about my father, sometimes I complaining to my self, sometimes I debating to my God while sreaming aloud “Why me? What the kind of sins that I’ve done so that I have to live this way?”

And it was really killed me inside everytime. Everyday. Every single time when my father called me up. And whenever he start to talking harsh and rude to me. Whenever he tried to control me to do this and that. And whenever he gave a damn for us. Whenever he acting like he cares but he really doesn’t. Because he doesn’t know anything about me and he doesn’t want to know.  

There was a point in your life when you really wanna took everything down. To buried anything down and burned away all the memories. But, some people lived with memories. Because basically memories created the people as well.

And during this time, I’ve been falling apart and get back to the reality that fast. And I have to really fast moving now.

Because one day, I’ll come back.

For you mom.

To end all this fucking war.

Rosalie
Labels:

Komentar

Posting Komentar

Postingan populer dari blog ini

Merry Go Round

Sudah aku mundurkan seluruh pasukanku. Karena aku tidak mampu menembus perasaan itu. Sangat kuat seperti medan magnet. Bedanya, ia tak mengenal kutub. Aku kembali menyeruput kopi hitamku yang mulai hambar. Udara dingin di kota kembang membuat uap-uap kopi itu mengudara hingga ke angkasa kemudian hilang. Dan untuk kesekian kalinya. Aku kembali. Ke sebuah ide dimana aku dulu pernah sedikit bermakna. Merry go round. Aku tidak begitu suka ide tentang berada beberapa kaki di atas tanah. Acrophobia. Yah, aku takut ketinggian. Karena itu aku benci menaikki bianglala. Tetapi, beberapa temanku selalu memaksaku untuk melakukannya. Alih-alih untuk menyembuhkan traumaku akan ketinggian, justru berujung pada muntah di lantai besi bianglala dan menjadi sasaran empuk mereka untuk tertawa. Menertawakanku lebih tepatnya. Sialan. Sejak saat itu, aku tidak tertarik dengan ketinggian dan segala percobaan bodoh yang berhubungan dengan elevasi. Dengan gagasan tentang menjadi burung atau sej...
Posting Komentar
Read more »

Pulang

Old House Pulang. Apakah pulang akan menjadi ritual yang begitu mengerikan? Jika tidak, mengapa selama setahun yang lalu aku tidak pernah membenamkan tubuhku pada hangatnya kamarku sendiri atau sekedar merasakan dinginnya lantai di tempat itu. Tempat   yang orang lain bilang rumahku.  Ada luka yang harus aku sembuhkan setiap kali kaki kurus ini mulai melangkah ke pelatarannya yang luas. Minimal beberapa mili air mata akan jatuh dan bercumbu dengan tanah halaman yang gersang itu. Tanah yang merindukan hujan di bulan desember.  Air mata itu akan menjelma keindahan seperti air terjun Niagara di kala senja. Bedanya di rumah itu tidak ada pelangi. Tidak ada terang setelah gelap. Tidak ada kata maaf setelah caci maki. Tidak ada peluk setelah tampar.   Pulang. Seperti enyah dalam angan-anganku yang pendek. Terlalu pendek untuk bisa bertahan diantara sekat-sekat formalnya. Entah, siapa yang membuatnya menjadi beku. Layaknya harapan kosong yang selamanya h...
Posting Komentar
Read more »

Dear Diary

Dear Diary, Dad, you make it harder actually. You push me away, now you’re gonna pull me back to that time. I can’t even imagine how we’ll be when we still stay together. Cause, one thing I know for sure about you, that you never really care to us. To me. What’s wrong with you during this time, Dad? You’ve been changing to be someone I can’t recognize. We can’t stand this fight anymore. And I think this fight is pointless. Again, I’m too tired to make it better than it used to be.  I was alone. All the time. Can you imagine how my life running without Mom, and them? Can you imagine that I’ve been hurting for six years. Was it all never enough? I’m dying inside. But, everytime I go to my own funeral, I stand there so tall with these tears falling from my eyes. I don’t even have someone beside me.  Dear Dad Then, I always find the way to make it all alone. To make it dark and senseless. Are we not supposed to be happy? That was the question from sister two d...
Posting Komentar
Read more »