Cabernet Sauvignon

Dear Diary, October 2015 I don’t really know about all this things. I cried for hours last night. Hoped for the best of this fucking life. What if I’m begging You to stop? But, I’m not a quitter. Maybe I just need some valium or even more vervein. I really need that but I know someone who know me so well will never let me do that (anymore). But, this condition is so confusing me a lot. I was just surprise that my life is full of rejection. Even, it’s comes from the one who should take care of me. And, another version of reality, I stuck there. Can’t move faster cause there’s something inside me hold me so tight. Hold my soul.  I just wanna running away from You. but, you stay closer every single time while everyobody else is just laughing at me   because I’m becoming crazy day after day. I can’t fight this things anymore. How many times I should say or even scream over your ear about my feeling? I’m done with this, Dad. I’m done. Malam itu, seperti biasa...

Dear Diary, Dad, you make it harder actually. You push me away, now you’re gonna pull me back to that time. I can’t even imagine how we’ll be when we still stay together. Cause, one thing I know for sure about you, that you never really care to us. To me. What’s wrong with you during this time, Dad? You’ve been changing to be someone I can’t recognize. We can’t stand this fight anymore. And I think this fight is pointless. Again, I’m too tired to make it better than it used to be.  I was alone. All the time. Can you imagine how my life running without Mom, and them? Can you imagine that I’ve been hurting for six years. Was it all never enough? I’m dying inside. But, everytime I go to my own funeral, I stand there so tall with these tears falling from my eyes. I don’t even have someone beside me.  Dear Dad Then, I always find the way to make it all alone. To make it dark and senseless. Are we not supposed to be happy? That was the question from sister two d...

One more cup . Ucapku pada seorang waitres perempuan cantik yang kebetulan melewati mejaku setelah mengantarkan sebuah frappe dan risol mayo kepada pengunjung di sebelah mejaku yang sedang asyik dengan tabnya. “Haiiish, Madam. Satu aja cukup.” Pria disampingku menimpali. Aku hanya memandang wajah pria itu sekilas kemudian lamunanku kembali ke gelas sekali pakai yang terpampang di hadapanku. Dengan label Cappucino for Miss Rosalie dan isinya yang tinggal seperempat bagian .   Kali ini aku menghabiskan sabtu malam yang dingin di café agak jauh dari kediamanku. Masih bersama lelaki yang sudah sebelas tahun menemani   hidupku. Pria yang selalu aku maki sebelum keluar bersama entah hanya untuk nongkrong di café atau sekedar windows shopping di bookstore terdekat. Makian yang selalu sama, “Males banget sih keluar sama kamu, Na! Nurunin pasaranku tahu gak? Dikiranya aku cewekmu tauk!” seperti itulah kira-kira mantra klasik yang selalu aku ucapkan ketika pria ...

14 th October, 2015 Life only stop dealing with us when we stop breathing. Lift up and never quit!! Today was a holiday. They said holiday in punctuation. I woke up like me as well and got shower and then I started to confuse. My question be like “What the hell I’m gonna doing today?” I don’t even have any rupiahs, no fuel for my vehicle and also there was no food left on fridge. Damn. What about me and my dad? Yap, never ending story. Last night he called me up and starting to discuss something. Ehm.. I don’t know how my feel right now but it seems get better since I bravely talked to him about what really annoy me during this time. About his act and his manner. About his anger and his carelessness and that was the day when I fell down my tears. I mean we talked through phonecell. Guess what? He came to me this morning. He called me up and said : Just meet me in food corner near your boarding house. I’m gonna catch you here, kid. I said : What? Where are ...