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This is War



If we don’t end war, war will end us. (Jared Leto)


I’m definitely will be honest to myself that I can’t even make it works anymore. I think this is not war, I think this is just my life. Well, I’ve been trying to make it done perfectly. I’ve been crying all the day but yet I down that deep. And maybe this is my time to make a turn. Another direction of my life. You know, one thing I really want about in this life is celebrating my own freedom. Yap, this is not kinda ‘escape methode’ or what, this is just what I really need. Feeling freedom and breath new air with a free spirit and young soul contain my body. 

And just now, I talked to my Mom, via phone. I said that I’d like to go somewhere else in order to get a job and to reach a better me. I just wanna make an effort to my own dream, because I know that making an effort to my father’s dream is just pointless. 

Because this is not kinda a nice thing to always remember what he has told me and my mom. We were suffer all the time. I and my mom. Even, my father pushing away my mom in front of my eyes, and that morning was the worst morning in my life ever. Then I took a drive with my mom and we moved to big city. And we talked about how many tears we’ve been falling for this fucking damn thing. How many scar we had? How many time we’ve been passing through with all this sadness and loneliness.

We were remember that. I and my mom.
It's A Beautiful Lonely Road

Sometimes it’s hard to describing your feeling into a words. Because this is more than just a feeling and words. This is the kind of pain that we’d never fond out the medicine. This is most likely nightmare you never see a bright light anymore. And, there was a time when you just feeling numb, vapid, senseless, tired, fucked-up and really nothing.

But, my mom always sees a potential towards me. She always find the way to make my day and wipe away all of this scary thing. She always tells me that her sweet nice daughter could do anything the man do. She always feeds me up with positive thought, positive vibe, support, and she will always there when I need her the most. She always enhance my power, my talent, and my passion in art. When everybody else looking down upon art, she's makes me up her way. But, we have to separated for 5 years and this is our 5th year. I don't know what would happen with the next year. 

Sometimes I’m afraid. I’m afraid to let people get in my heart cause my heart is really bad damn broken inside. And the one who has broken it down was the one who used to be my hero. Yah, he used to be my hero. But, no more right now.

And the moment when I think about my father, sometimes I complaining to my self, sometimes I debating to my God while sreaming aloud “Why me? What the kind of sins that I’ve done so that I have to live this way?”

And it was really killed me inside everytime. Everyday. Every single time when my father called me up. And whenever he start to talking harsh and rude to me. Whenever he tried to control me to do this and that. And whenever he gave a damn for us. Whenever he acting like he cares but he really doesn’t. Because he doesn’t know anything about me and he doesn’t want to know.  

There was a point in your life when you really wanna took everything down. To buried anything down and burned away all the memories. But, some people lived with memories. Because basically memories created the people as well.

And during this time, I’ve been falling apart and get back to the reality that fast. And I have to really fast moving now.

Because one day, I’ll come back.

For you mom.

To end all this fucking war.

Rosalie

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